Friday, November 05, 2004

The Devil Knife

I was going to review a product that I recently purchased (which I still will get around to doing) but the overwhelming feeling I have about that purchase is that I have somehow invited an evil entity into my home;

The Miracle Blade 3.

I don't think that they did a very good job of naming this product.
It should be something more like DangerBlade 3 or maybe the Badass Mofo Take No Prisoners Knife or as my wife, Julie, has started calling it The Devil Knife.

I actually set out to purchase the Ultimate Chopper which my daughters got all excited about a couple of weekends ago when an infomercial for it was on early Sunday morning but ended up getting much more than I had bargained for.

I really only paused to watch the commercial so that I could make rude comments about the tubby shill in the chef's hat and the over enthusiastic horse-faced woman who stood by his side but that was quickly forgotten when my daughters both began to wax poetic about the glorious product in the TV spot.

They were both smiling and giggling as though they had just seen Justin Timberlake in a thong but there was no blue eyed pop star on the screen.

The product, as mentioned earlier, was the Ultimate Chopper. A sort of mini food processor which could be had for a mere $50 or so.

This little gadget could do almost anything a food processor costing big bucks could do and would surely change your life.

I thought that my daughters were joking at first when they told me how much they had always wished that they could have an Ultimate Chopper, having seen this infomercial so many times.

Now I knew darn well that no teenage girl could be on the level with such animated claims of longing for a kitchen gadget but they assured me that they were quite serious.

I sat back and started watching the TV spot and saw the guy in it demonstrate how easily one could churn out home made sorbet, grated cheese and...Guacamole.

Man, that Guacamole was sounding mighty good considering that I hadn't had anything to eat yet and when my younger daughter said "Dad...could you call and order one so that we can make Guacamole?"
I suddenly found myself dialing the toll free telephone number on the TV screen with my credit card in hand. Impulse buying is something I almost never do but what the heck.

I mean c'mon...we talkin' about Guacamole.

I didn't really pay attention to the part of the commercial where they said "But wait...there's more! Order now and we'll also send you the Miracle Blade 3 absolutely free!"

So the Ultimate Chopper showed up in a reasonably timely manner and when I opened the carton and saw the large knife with it's serrated edge I thought "Cool. I can always use another knife."

Little did I know.

I do a lot of chopping, slicing and dicing around the house since I'm the only one who cooks.
I make a lot of soup from scratch which means I use a large Chef's knife a lot and I never ever cut myself.

A day after I got the goods in the mail I went to make myself a steak and decided to give the old "Miracle Blade 3" a shot.
I started to cube the raw meat (sometimes I cut my steak up before I cook it) and about halfway through (and by accident) I barely...let me repeat...I barely...touched the edge of the blade up against my finger.

At first I didn't realize I had cut myself as the blade was so stinkin' sharp that it had just done it's diabolical work without my notice.

As I continued to cut my steak I felt a stinging sensation and then saw that my finger had suddenly began to bleed profusely.

Within moments my steak, the plate it was on my hand were all covered with blood!

"What the HELL?!?" I said out loud.

I put my bloody plate down and ran to the sink where I rinsed my hand off and saw that a small portion of the tip of my finger was just gone!

To make a long story short, I got my finger wrapped up with some gauze and tape, everything in the kitchen cleaned up and went on about my day.

When Julie came home I told her about what had happened and laughed about it. "That's one good knife" I told her.

A couple of days went by and it was time to make a fresh batch of soup.

I got out my bell pepper, Bok Choy, carrots, kosher bouillon cubes and tofu and was all set to make a super veggie soup.

Now how much easier would things be with my new super knife?

I doubt I have to even tell you what happened next;

About three or four slices into the bell pepper and my thumb was squirting blood.

DAMN!!!! How'd that happen?!?

So now I have two very sore bandaged appendages.
They're healing up alright but every time I feel their dull throbbing I just know that damn knife is in the kitchen laughing at me.

When I did the dishes I was actually nervous about even washing the thing.
Should I handle it with thick heavy leather gloves I wonder?

Now it sits quietly in the wooden knife block next to all of the friendly Henckels knives which have served me so well, always cutting and slicing my food with ease but never their owner.

Still, each time I enter the kitchen there it is taunting me.

Tempting me with it's gleaming stainless steel and clean serrated edge.


Oh yeah, the "Ultimate Chopper"?

It works pretty well.

We'll be getting around to actually using it to make some Guacamole sooner or later.