Thursday, March 17, 2005

The Family Jewels

I don't exactly live in the "good" part of town and don't make a heck of a lot of money so when I go to work out it's not at"the club" or even"the gym".

Nope, I go to the "community center".

It's a place in the neighborhood (I'm barely in a good enough area to add the"neighbor..." part;
One tax bracket lower and I'd be livin' in just"da hood") where kids can take swimming lessons, korean folks can use the hall to have weddings and chumps like me can pay $3 to use the work-out room.

Well now when I go to the community center it's a given that at some point before or after my workout (or during my daughter's swimming lessons) I'm going to use the bathroom. The bathroom in this case is actually a part of the large locker-room which has stalls, showers etc.

Here's the thing I don't get;

Why do some guys~usually old guys~have to walk around naked?

There are plenty of places for them to get dressed or changed out of sight but there are always a few of them who must strip down right in front of the lockers which are smack dab in the middle of the room.

Now I can see why it MAY be convenient to change right there at the locker but these guys are in no, they loiter around, chat with each other and just sort of hang out (and I do mean HANG) without making the slightest effort to cover their boys.

I've got nothing against nudity in general;
I've been to a nude beach a couple of times and if I ever get invited to a picnic at a nudist colony or to an orgy I'd understand that genitalia on parade would just be a given.

But those are situations where prolonged nakedness is expected, right?

When I'm washing my hands the last thing I want (or need) to see is two or three old men smiling at me in the mirror, arms folded across their chests with their junk on display while they talk rather loudly about the new sewer tax bill.

And why the hell do they always smile at me?

Is it perhaps that they are experiencing that same joyful feeling of freedom that a toddler does when they get to run around without their diaper?

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

What's even worse is when I see some guy bring his little 3 or 4 year old son or daughter in to use the bathroom.

I mean, think about it...a kid that age is right at eyeball level with Mr. Happy.

No wonder therapists have such a thriving business.

I sometimes want to rush up to the unsuspecting father as he's about to enter the room with his innocent offspring in tow, grab him by the shoulders and say
"Turn back now! Don't ask why! Just turn back!!!"

I really do try to ignore these naked guys who linger in their natural state but the problem is...well...let me put it like this;

Sometimes I may walk into my living room and the TV is on some nature show where it's showing a rabbit being ripped apart by a wolf.

As ugly as it may be I can't help but fix my eyes on this scene of horror for a moment as I'm reaching for the remote control to change the channel.

It's that same kind if experience when I see Moe, Larry and Curly proudly showing me their junk.

Even though I turn away the horror of what I just saw the image is stuck in my brain and there isn't even a remote control to grab for.

I do think that I may have a solution though.

I'm going to get a whole bunch of cheap fabric and make little loin-clothes which would allow one to "air out" the goods but still protect innocent bystanders from the shock of seeing the unsightly without warning.

I'll start taking them with me to the community center and when I see one of these guys even BEGINNING to disrobe I'll offer him the chance to wear one of the home-made loin-clothes for a dollar.

What's that?

Why would anyone pay me a dollar for a cheap piece of fabric?

No, you've got it all wrong;
I'M going to give THEM the dollar to wear the loin-cloth.

And by the way...

I've now had two seperate women tell me that they were under the impression that ALL men run around naked in dressing rooms~one even mentioned that she thought that it was part of the male bonding experience.


Just for the record let me set the ladies straight;
In HIGH SCHOOL or maybe even COLLEGE guys do walk around naked as they usually have to hit the showers about the same know after P.E., basketball practice etc.

Sometimes there's some towel snapping or something of the nature that does go on.

It is NOT however common to see a grown man in a PUBLIC restroom/dressing room to say "Hey fellas...Look at this" as he pretends his penis is a gear shift and simulates a race car driver shifting gears all the while making a brrrr sound in an attempt to make a sound like that of a high performance engine while he runs around the room.


Once again;

School boys in locker room; Some cavorting and horseplay.

Grown men in public facilities;

No "sword fights"

No doing "the pee-pee dance" like the guy in "The Silence Of The lambs",


The only exception, of course, is if you are a male locked up in a penile institution in which case, well...

Let's just say they didn't stumble upon the word " penile" by accident.


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